Hello, friends and family!
I’m sure many of you have noticed my lack of blogging, and I wanted to share the reason for that with you today.
Ever since I could remember, I believed in God and the Bible and Creation and all those things. One of my earliest memories is talking to my dad about sin and how we need to be saved. When I was about five years old, I prayed and confessed my sin and received Christ during bedtime prayers with my grandpa on my mom’s side. Until about two months ago, I was a Bible-believing Christian who wanted to please God and would witness to people and write a blog about being a Christian.
But, over the course of time, I had doubts. I didn’t have trouble believing in Creation. I knew there was evidence for a flood. I knew it was possible (even likely) that God created man out of the dust of the earth, not apes or whales or cows. I didn’t for a moment find it hard to believe that Jesus was a person. And I never doubted that He could have been God or that He could of risen from the dead. I just had misgivings here and there.
There were two main causes for my doubt. First, I was disappointed with the actions of so-called Christians. Not only others, but myself. I wondered (and still wonder) why it would please God more to let us struggle than to make living perfectly an easy thing. I always thought “if the Spirit of Almighty God is living in you, then why and how do you act that way?” My second struggle was the idea of Hell. I couldn’t believe that a good God would send people to a place of eternal fire and bitter torment forever. I could understand punishment. I could understand separation from God. But… eternal punishment? Why not “annihilation of the wicked,” like the Seventh-Day Adventists believed? Why not just a less enjoyable place than Heaven (even that would be torture if enduring for eternity). I felt that no normal human being would do that to anyone. I doubted that Hitler himself would sit at the edge of Hell and look down upon thousands of Jews for more than a few thousand years. At some point, some inkling of compassion would bubble to the surface of that dark soul.
These doubts grew stronger and came more to the forefront of my mind. At some point, I gave up believing. And, while I would never say I am an atheist (more of a firm belief that there is no God or gods) I would have to identify as agnostic (the doubt that there is a God, kind of the “well… I don’t know” position).
Typing those words is surprising to myself. I never thought I would doubt. I believed the Bible with all my heart. I had committed my life to Christ. I wanted to follow every bit of God’s Word. I don’t know what happened. And, I know, the idea that Satan or his demonic force attacked me in some way may be a wise explanation, but it feels like an easy answer. Instead of giving guidance in my doubt, one may find it easier to conclude that Satan has gotten a hold of me. Maybe someday I will believe that. Actually, I’m pretty sure that one day all these doubts will fade away and the God that I have loved will show Himself to me. But I don’t know. I can’t know.
So, why am I sharing this with you? Because I know you care about me and I was encouraged to by my dad. Many of you are friends from church. Some of you are uncles and aunts and cousins. Some of you are grandparents. Some of you are dear brothers and sisters that I’ve met while operating this little blog. And I’m sharing this with you because I know you will do all that you can to help me. I want to believe. I want this. But I want to know that it is true. I don’t want to convince myself of something that isn’t reality. I pray that God will use this Christmas reminder of Jesus to show me His love and give me faith again.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please comment or send me an email or talk to me at church. I want to hear stories from your life. I want to know if you ever doubted, and how God has given you faith.
Until next time,