Hello, friends and family!

I’m sure many of you have noticed my lack of blogging, and I wanted to share the reason for that with you today.

Ever since I could remember, I believed in God and the Bible and Creation and all those things. One of my earliest memories is talking to my dad about sin and how we need to be saved. When I was about five years old, I prayed and confessed my sin and received Christ during bedtime prayers with my grandpa on my mom’s side. Until about two months ago, I was a Bible-believing Christian who wanted to please God and would witness to people and write a blog about being a Christian.

But, over the course of time, I had doubts. I didn’t have trouble believing in Creation. I knew there was evidence for a flood. I knew it was possible (even likely) that God created man out of the dust of the earth, not apes or whales or cows. I didn’t for a moment find it hard to believe that Jesus was a person. And I never doubted that He could have been God or that He could of risen from the dead. I just had misgivings here and there.

There were two main causes for my doubt. First, I was disappointed with the actions of so-called Christians. Not only others, but myself. I wondered (and still wonder) why it would please God more to let us struggle than to make living perfectly an easy thing. I always thought “if the Spirit of Almighty God is living in you, then why and how do you act that way?” My second struggle was the idea of Hell. I couldn’t believe that a good God would send people to a place of eternal fire and bitter torment forever. I could understand punishment. I could understand separation from God. But… eternal punishment? Why not “annihilation of the wicked,” like the Seventh-Day Adventists believed? Why not just a less enjoyable place than Heaven (even that would be torture if enduring for eternity). I felt that no normal human being would do that to anyone. I doubted that Hitler himself would sit at the edge of Hell and look down upon thousands of Jews for more than a few thousand years. At some point, some inkling of compassion would bubble to the surface of that dark soul.

These doubts grew stronger and came more to the forefront of my mind. At some point, I gave up believing. And, while I would never say I am an atheist (more of a firm belief that there is no God or gods) I would have to identify as agnostic (the doubt that there is a God, kind of the “well… I don’t know” position).

Typing those words is surprising to myself. I never thought I would doubt. I believed the Bible with all my heart. I had committed my life to Christ. I wanted to follow every bit of God’s Word. I don’t know what happened. And, I know, the idea that Satan or his demonic force attacked me in some way may be a wise explanation, but it feels like an easy answer. Instead of giving guidance in my doubt, one may find it easier to conclude that Satan has gotten a hold of me. Maybe someday I will believe that. Actually, I’m pretty sure that one day all these doubts will fade away and the God that I have loved will show Himself to me. But I don’t know. I can’t know.

So, why am I sharing this with you? Because I know you care about me and I was encouraged to by my dad. Many of you are friends from church. Some of you are uncles and aunts and cousins. Some of you are grandparents. Some of you are dear brothers and sisters that I’ve met while operating this little blog. And I’m sharing this with you because I know you will do all that you can to help me. I want to believe. I want this. But I want to know that it is true. I don’t want to convince myself of something that isn’t reality. I pray that God will use this Christmas reminder of Jesus to show me His love and give me faith again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please comment or send me an email or talk to me at church. I want to hear stories from your life. I want to know if you ever doubted, and how God has given you faith.

Until next time,

LeviGrant

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26 thoughts on “Truth and Doubt

  1. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.
    -C S Lewis
    Hi Levi,
    One comment about God sending ppl to eternal Hell. I believe Bible teaches that each of us gets a choice between Heaven or Hell. If you were to remove a burning sinner from Hell, dust him off, quench the embers, and place him at the gates of Heaven and gesture for him to enter in, he would dart back to Hell faster than light because the sinner believes that an eternity with God is more unpleasant than eternity in torment. Jesus indicated that there are levels of pain and torture and everyone that choses Hell also choses the depths to which they sink. Similarly, the saint gets to chose how much of the grace of God he gets to enjoy, based to a large degree on how we lived our lives here. I have chosen to believe the promises of God, and that an eternity with Him is better than anything else.
    Caleb

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  2. Levi – I am going to keep it simple and straight forward my friend. You have the foundation of God in you. Keep the faith, even if the size of a mustard seed..and that is sufficient for now. I lived a very self-willed life for 39 years. I have seen and dealt with adversity. I have seen God work in people that were left for dead. My point is, sometimes we need to realize adversity in our own lives to feel the impact God has on us and in us. You have a lot of great people to support you right now until you find your way back to allowing God to support you again. God speed to you Levi and God bless you in your journey!

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  3. Hey Levi!

    I’m not family or a friend, but I’ve read a few of your posts and enjoyed them. It took a lot of courage to post this, and I applaud that. A lot of Christians can be pretty harsh toward the very idea of doubt. As you have said in your post, Christians can be pretty lousy in general. I know. I’ve experienced it. But there is more to the story.

    As others have said, it’s not necessarily a bad thing for you to doubt your faith. In fact, it can be a good thing. Indeed, we should doubt everything, and this includes our doubt.

    I wrote a blog post on this subject awhile back, and you may or may not find it encouraging, but I’ll leave a link here in case you’re interested.

    Keep pursuing truth, where ever it leads!

    http://reaganramm.com/its-okay-to-doubt-your-faith/

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  4. Levi, I am so grateful to see all the encouragement you have received in these comments as well as in the people I see talking with you. These people are preaching the Gospel to you again and again. We all need to hear it and be reminded of who our great God is. Keep seeking Him. I’m rooting for you. I’m praying for you. And I know you story isn’t over. I love you, Buddy! Christina

    Liked by 1 person

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